I stutter. I have my whole life, and will until I die, I guess.

Like Mel Tillis, the only time I don’t stutter is when I’m singing. I’m not sure science even knows why, but we stutters know why.

I did biofeedback therapy all through grade school for stuttering. It was all about relaxing, keeping the lights in the green while you talked. It didn’t work.

I was in the 5th or 6th grade, I can’t remember, and I found myself in Chess club. Chess club, everyone knew, was for smart kids; I wasn’t a smart kid. For an hour a day, while we normal kids learned whatever it was we were learning, the smart kids went down to Chess club and, among other mysterious things, played Chess.

I found myself in Chess club one day. I don’t remember what I thought about it, other than I knew it wasn’t because I was smart. It turns out, it was because I stuttered. I’m not sure what the teachers thought; more exposure to smart kids could help my stuttering, or maybe just a little taste of some higher plane of existence would make me work harder in school. Was stuttering making me dumb or not work hard enough?

One thing a stuttering 5th grader doesn’t want is to be highlighted. When you stutter, you learn to keep your mouth shut. You learn every skill there is to not get picked by the teacher to answer something out loud to the class. You NEVER raise your hand to ask a question. You sit in the back and melt into the wallpaper. You become a chameleon. Shape-shifting, blending, crouching, staying low, so you are never called on to speak, especially in a group.

I cannot explain to you the fear that you feel about public speaking as someone who stutters. Speaking to your friends was hard enough, because even they would mock and laugh from time to time.

I’m digressing from Chess club. I don’t remember what I did in Chess club. I think it was exposure to things beyond what a normal 5th grader would be exposed to. Literature, advanced math, poems, and yes, even some Chess.

I don’t think I lasted long in Chess club. I don’t remember how I was told that I wouldn’t be going to Chess club anymore. Just one day, when the smart kids left, I wasn’t with them. Was it because they saw no improvement in my stuttering, social skills, or study ethic? I will never know.

But I do remember the relief of not having to go. I didn’t want to be singled out. Everyone knew I didn’t belong there. The smart kids knew I wasn’t smart and wasn’t part of their group. The normal kids knew I wasn’t smart and surely were wondering why I was going. It made me stand out. Standing out is not good when you stutter.

Fast forward many years, my stuttering improved, but I still do. You learn ways to limit it. You learn when you are starting to stammer on a word to switch the word (one’s vocabulary increases greatly) or speak quickly, almost like a song, because when you blend words together like in a song, you don’t stutter. There are many tricks. Most people don’t notice them. I can tell someone stutters right away by how they talk. We know each other’s tactics.

I still get made fun of or mocked from time to time. Most people don’t mean it. They will laugh and pretend to stutter back. I’ve learned to just laugh along and say something like, “Sheesh, I can’t talk today, I must need more coffee.” Every once in a while you get locked in a very public stammer and can’t get a word out. It hurts bad. It’s extremely embarrassing. Again, you just don’t talk in public unless you absolutely have to. The risk is too high.

One good thing came out of it anyway. I love Chess. I’m a member of Chess.com and play or solve puzzles every day. It doesn’t cure stuttering, but It’s a great game.